When she sees him like this, it is almost possible to believe
that their lives are normal. He sleeps now, peacefully, with a
slight smile curving his lips, snoring lightly. His son is spread
blissfully across his chest, clad in only a nappy, little bottom
rising and falling in time with his daddy's breathing. She stands
in the doorway, watching her boys snooze, her chest feeling tight
with an emotion she cannot identify.
Mulder frowns as she moves closer to the bed. He grunts and
shifts irritably as though he will wake, his eyelids fluttering
as Scully's shadow falls across his face. She steps back, not
wanting to disturb the precious tableau before her. Mulder grunts
again, murmurs incoherently and settles for a moment longer. It
is Scully's turn to frown then as she stands back from the bed,
deciphering his grumbled words. A name. Not her own. Momentarily,
sickness strikes low in her stomach and her face burns in the
warm room. Scully finds herself retreating as far as the doorway,
yet she cannot tear her eyes from the sight of the two of them
slumbering in the lamp-lit room.
She is exhausted from her long day at work, bound tightly into
her suit that was once tailored, but is now simply too tight.
Scully feels annoyance rise to meet the muddle of emotions
merging inside her and she forces it down, reminding herself that
she is still breast-feeding. Her chest has ached all day and the
sight of her beautiful little boy makes her long to feed him. It
feels like days since she last held his hot little body in her
arms and she cannot hold back a minute longer. She approaches the
bed and strokes gentle fingers over a little pink arm.
She takes a deep breath and her heart finally slows. She feels
suddenly irrational and hormonal as the angry flush retreats
along the column of her throat. Scully marvels at how her the
sight of her sleeping son never fails to calm her. In these
scarce moments of peace inside the apartment, her mind barely
registers the sickness that has not left her since it settled in
her stomach the day she discovered she was pregnant. She thinks
that things may have been simple before that day, but she cannot
be certain. Life before William is a blur. They look so perfect
together that Scully can barely contemplate the fact that it is
all so conceited and untrue. She feels the warmth of William's
baby-soft skin and she cannot think straight.
"Hey baby." She murmurs down to the sleeping form.
Tears prick at her eyes and her sinuses sting. The tot snuffles
slightly, his mouth forming a little rose-bud pout and sucking at
an imaginary teat. Even in dreams he senses his mummy close by.
Scully watches Mulder's brow furrow as a fat baby hand slaps down
on his chest. The baby wiggles slightly, his nappy rustling and
she smiles bitterly at the sleepy scene before her. She is hardly
surprised to find herself jealous that she has missed out on nap
time, resenting having been detained at work so long. Her
annoyance tries to rise once again and Scully battles with it for
a moment. She shakes her head, knowing that she resents every
second that she cannot spend with her little boy. She cannot
ignore the confusing muddle of emotions that threatens to
overwhelm her.
As long as she has known him, so little in her life has been
certain. As much as she loves him, she has never truly had him.
She probably never will. Though they never speak of her, the
'other woman' has always hovered in the background, an
omnipresent fear that claws at the edge of her consciousness
whenever she thinks of him. Scully sometimes wonders who is the
mistress and who is the wife, his dedication wavers so
inconsistently between them. He is still a child inside,
emotionally stunted and selfish. Sometimes she wonders if she
would hate him if she didn't need him so desperately. She knows
that he loves her, in his own thwarted way. She is positive that
she loves him in return. But their love seeps sluggishly through
her veins, vital as blood, an inescapable poison, slowly turning
her inside out and eating away at her very being.
Mulder grunts and his eyes open then, finally roused from his
sleep. He takes a moment to focus on her before a sleepy smile
breaks out across his face.
"Hey, we were waiting up for you..." A sheepish grin is
apology enough for Scully, who dips her face to kiss her drowsy
lover. She chokes back the lump in her throat and hopes that he
has not seen the tears that glitter on her cheeks. Oblivious,
Mulder is pleasantly surprised by her affection, having expected
to find her tired and grouchy after such a long day. He returns
the kiss gratefully, wondering whether he is still asleep. He
blinks slowly to clear his sleep-addled brain. She tastes of
coffee and the caramel shot from Starbucks that she loves to have
but rarely allows herself; especially now that she is hurriedly
attempting to shed the extra pounds that pregnancy has piled onto
her slight frame. He secretly loves the extra weight that she is
carrying these days, even though he knows she hates it.
Scully wiggles her fingers under baby William's sleeping form to
peel him away from his daddy's chest, their warm skin fusing them
together. She hoists the baby up in her arms and William grunts
and opens his eyes, just like his father. Scully smiles to
herself as Mulder moves over to make room for her to perch on the
edge of the bed. She hesitates, her earlier turmoil still
swirling uncomfortably, butterflies in her stomach fluttering
upwards to ignite into heartburn. The baby begins to fuss, hungry
and angry at being woken. She sits, expertly unbuttons her black
blouse and is ready to feed her son before he can begin to cry.
William accepts the proffered breast happily and sucks
contentedly, murmuring his appreciation around his mouthful of
flesh and warm milk.
They sit for long minutes in silence, each deep in thought,
before William lets out a burp around the warm flesh of his
mother's breast, reasserting his presence and the claim he has
laid there. Mulder chuckles to himself.
"Mulder, did you teach him that whilst I was at work
today?" Scully cannot keep the stern look from her face as
she switches sides. William looks up at his father with accusing
eyes. Mulder glances shiftily sideways and mutters something
about sending him to an orphanage. The baby watches his mother
with a concern in his eyes that belies his age.
Finally, William's tummy is full and Mulder takes the heavy
bundle from her tired arms. She settles back on the stack of
pillows, too tired to even think about dinner. She watches Mulder
burp her son, the perfect image of domesticity. They look so
content and so alike that it hurts her chest to see them like
this; she feels as though she could simply shatter with the
emotions she feels inside. William drops off to sleep in his
father's arms, his tummy full and his nappy clean.
Mulder approaches the bed and she lets her eyes slip closed with
a sigh. He drops a kiss onto the end of her nose and Scully
cannot help the smile that curves at the edge of her mouth. She
knows what is coming and nausea washes over her. She swallows and
takes a breath, her eyes still closed.
"You know that I have to go now...I just had to see you
both..." Mulder doesn't quite know how to finish. She knows
that he is looking down at her as he tugs his shirt from the
chair beside the bed, buttoning it as he slips his shoes on.
Scully feels herself nod, but cannot open her eyes. She knows she
will cry if she does. She doesn't want to cry until he is gone,
not this time. She hears him shrug into his coat, hears his feet
shuffle on the carpet. Still her eyes are closed. His lips are
against the corner of her mouth for a second before his footsteps
creep away.
One step forward. Two steps back.
When Scully finally opens her eyes, the room is dark around her
and her cheeks are wet with tears. She smiles to herself,
swallowing the lump in her throat. For just a moment she could
almost have believed that their lives were normal.
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