untitled
'THE
JOURNEY TO UNDERSTANDING'
Understanding.
Despite everything you've shared over the years and believed to
be key to your relaionship, the one thing you truly lack is
understanding of each other. No clearer has that fact ever been
until now, as you both stand here in his apartment, struggling to
think of what to say.
You don't understand why he's finding it so difficult to look at
you, despite everything you've said to make him remember he's the
center of your universe.
He doesn't understand why you don't understand what he's going
through.
It's a journey you've both been taking since the day you set foot
in his office eight years ago; a search for comprehension in
each's soul through abduction, Cancer, near-death experiences,
dealings with the enemy, ditches, stakeouts, X-File shutdowns, a
homicidal fetishist, fire, brain surgery, shadows from the
past..........a list seemingly endless that somehow always comes
down to his bewilderment at why you stick by his side each day,
and your occasional wonder at the same thing.
Trust, love, sympathy, strength, eternal bond attained.
Understanding successfully evaded.
"I don't know where I fit in..."
Your eyes narrow as another tear slips free, and you just want to
scream at him, hit him...anything to stop him so coldly
dismissing you and the miracle he refuses to believe you created
together before his abduction. The desperate need to explain to
him the pain - the sheer hell - you've had to endure every day
since he left for Oregon chokes you as it forms a lump in your
throat.
He glances up briefly and notices the tortured expression on your
face, but then quickly closes his eyes against it and lowers his
head. Memories of what's happened to him over the past six months
are foggy in his still-recuperating mind, but the scars on his
body, the hole in his soft palette, the paleness of his skin and
the empty feeling inside his being haunts him with all the
knowledge he'd much rather live without. So, your mouth opens in
a last attempt to soothe and reassure that you fully understand
what he's going through--
But you falter.
"...Too much has changed..." he whispers, shaking his
head.
And at that moment you know why you couldn't find the right
words: deep down inside you know he's the only one not pretending
here.... he's not pretending to understand what you've had to
deal with over the passing months; he's never said he understood
what you went through when you were abducted six years
ago......He's not even making a claim to understand what the
heck's happened to him.
All he wants is his world back: a world which was only just
beginning to very slowly shift and change before he left, but not
so drastically as the unrecognizable place he's returned to - a
time when IVF failed to spawn life in your barren womb, when the
X-Files belonged to the two of you and nobody else, when you
weren't such an emotional wreck, when he was dying of an unknown
brain disease, when you'd both finally reached the same page in
your relationship...when he didn't feel so cold and hollow inside
after having been missing for three months and then buried in the
ground for another three.
If only knowing that equaled Understanding...
...Suddenly you feel even further apart than you did just a few
short weeks ago.
"Too much can't be undone."
XxXxXxXxX
Insight must be a wonderful thing, and God knows how you wish for
it now. As it is, you've never been the best at putting your own
feelings into words or expressing your emotions in actions -
particularly to this woman that means the universe to you. But
what you'd give to just know what's going through her mind as you
bend down for your last bag, take a deep breath and then glance
over at her!
Try to understand how she convinced you to walk away, or why...
No, you understand why - yes, you actually understand that! - and
that same knowledge is reflected in her eyes as you break visual
contact and focus on the squirming bundle cradled in the safety
of her arms, but if only...if you could just change things or
come up with another solution...
The sudden cry from the fussing child cuts through your thoughts,
and you watch in awe as your one in five billion quietly coos to
him with the expertise of a woman who's had several children, not
just one. It's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and you
mentally kick yourself for ever doubting her and the world she'd
tried to introduce you to after your resurrection.
"Shh...It's going to be okay..."
Looking back over the years, you realise you've never really
tried to comprehend anything that may or may not be going through
her head - you've tried to be strong when she's appeared upset,
and you've been there for her as much as possible, but even as
you'd held her in your arms to try comfort her after a terrifying
ordeal, or as you'd both affirmed the depth of your bond with a
night of long-overdue passionate lovemaking, never have you
gained an ounce of understanding about what goes through her mind
as she automatically asserts 'I'm fine'; what she may be thinking
as she whispers 'I love you'.
...And as you prepare to walk out the door, you're petrified you
never will.
She stares at you over the top of the baby's head, desperately
seeking to regain the silent communication seemingly lost since
your resurrection. What you wouldn't give to just take those few
steps necessary to stand before her and wrap your arms around
them forever; What you wouldn't say to assure her that you'll be
home before any of them even realizes you've been gone; What you
wouldn't do to make this nightmare stop.
Instead of expressing that to her, though, you just give a slow
nod of your head and sadly smile. How can you begin to unravel
her thoughts when you can't even piece together your own?
The alarm on your watch beeps, and your eyes open wide as you
realize that there's no time left to think about what you should
or shouldn't do. The only certainty left to grasp onto is that
this may be your last time together, and if you can't find each
other on the same level of understanding, all you can do is hold
on to the memories and your connected desires: to be together, to
be safe, to be home.
"I'll come back as soon as humanly possible...You know I
will - I can't live without you..."
And as the door to her apartment closes after you, I die, whilst
your brain wakes up and finally begins to view things from a
different perspective.
Another step is taken towards perhaps finally gaining that
insight.
XxXxXxXxX
"Then we believe the same thing."
If only you could both see each other as I and my mate do. If you
could just see the extent of this journey that has taken you
through every imaginable scenario to finally bring you here - to
this motel, to these confessions, to this dawning realisation
that, in fact, you've always known what the other was thinking
because it's what you feel deep down inside as well: if one of
you hurts, the other will undoubtedly suffer too.
It's an ability that cements your partnership.
For all these years you've been subconsciously kicking yourselves
- wondering and doubting if you listened to each other for long
enough...
...Angry you didn't push her when she only answered with 'I'm
fine'...
...Wishing you'd been more insistent when telling him that his
quest was your quest also, and that he could be blamed for
nothing bad in your life...
But, in the end, all you have left is each other and that's all
you need to survive in this crazy world where shadows wait in
every corner to eat you whole and steal away the happiness that
you finally feel now. Together you can fight the demons... You
always have, but now so much more is at stake: the fate of the
world, your freedom, and the welfare of your son.
As a thumb is tenderly rubbed over lips so missed during the past
lonely months, you both think his name and it's as if the word
was said out loud - weighing you down with desperation and the
fear that this is when the shit really hits the fan.
We can do this, for him...for us.
The decision is made to finally grasp on to what's been slipping
away from you all this time. With a hand still holding on to
hers, you raise up and carefully manoeuvre your tired body onto
the bed beside her.
You stare at him and shift so that there's plenty of space for
him to lay facing you...it's the only way you'll be able to
convince yourself that he is real - that he's here and (apart
from that obvious void inside that will never be filled all the
time your son is not in your arms) you're more complete than
you've ever been.
Silence descends. Shadows fall to entrap two fugitive agents
within the four walls of the run-down motel room.
Understanding? Insight? You may still doubt as to if you're
seeing the full picture of each's emotions; will undeniably be
frustrated by the irrational, unjustified notion of not being
able to see each through on every single layer of feeling caused
by situations or surroundings or speech. But you'll always know,
and from now on you'll be able to find a way to express that more
fully.
"Maybe there's Hope..."
And there's the key to it all - what neither of you had believed
to be in your possession, but what has always been there much
like Pandora's box. You've fought The Powers That Be for this
long with Hope pushing you along every step of the way, and now
with the hope, faith and love you've discovered in each other
it's unlikely anything - let alone anyone - will be able to stop
you.
Your eyes close as you're lulled to sleep by the sound of your
synchronised breaths and the warmth of your bodies pressed
together. My mate and I unite and beat as one.
And a new journey begins...
The journey for Freedom.
XXXXXXXX
THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Hope is a
good thing - maybe the best of things - and no good thing ever
dies.'
..............................~Andy in 'The Shawshank
Redemption'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DISCLAIMER: No
names mentioned, but it's obvious who I'm talking about.....and
they're still not mine :(
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