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| 'I'd do it
all over again.' The comforting blanket of stars began to fade from view as night gave way to the new dawning day. Wet eyes lifted to catch a brief snapshot of the departing twilight sky and then lowered again to stare longingly at the crumpled photograph held within the grasp of the two lightly-trembling hands. She'd have done it all over again? So much had happened since she'd spoken those words to him in a dark motel room four years ago, and maybe there was no room for regret, but as a shuddering breath was snatched in and yet another tear dropped into the thick depths of his unkempt beard, the man that had once been Fox William Mulder knew without question that there was a lot he wouldn't do all over again - that there was too much he would change if given the chance. Of course he didn't regret a single breath he'd shared with Scully, but there were choices he'd made over the years that had put them all in danger and he wished every day he could take back - going to Oregon with Skinner; not being there for William's birth; leaving them behind to go into hiding; being caught at the military base whilst searching for a truth that he'd known all along; taking her on the run with him; leaving her once again, despite how ill she'd gotten, to chase down more paranormal leads and not being there when the ambulance had come-- Eyelids snapped shut and a hand lightly stroked down the photo as a prayer was whispered. Damn him, today was Will's fifth birthday and they should be celebrating despite the adoption and all that had followed, but even the strongest of souls can only take so much traveling from one nameless motel to the next - can only take so much bloodshed...and he doubted even Scully, if she was truly honest, would happily repeat this experience. For five years he's been a father to the most wonderful boy ever known to man, and yet he knows so little about William's loves and hates and everything else that in fact he's nothing more than a stranger in the crowd. 'He'd know you,' Dana had sighed on their son's first birthday as they'd crossed the Arizona state line in their dusty SUV. 'He'd always just know. I would tell him stories and he would point at the picture of you I made sure stood on the shelf above his crib...' Mulder hadn't responded, afraid that his choked voice would make her even more upset for doing what had been necessary at the time, but her words had hit a nerve he wouldn't be able to bare to her until almost seven months later, and for the first time since he'd kissed William goodbye he'd felt like a part of the world he'd left behind once more. If only he could have bottled that feeling to rely upon as time went by... "Daddy?" A tiny hand taps his knee and brings Mulder back to the present. His eyes slowly open and he smiles at the small strawberry-blonde haired boy that stares back at him with curious blue eyes. ...So much like his mother... Despite being fugitives and never able to break their constant zigzagging across the continent they'd managed to regain their son into their loving care fourteen months after Dana'd been forced to give him away for the sake of his safety. But it was a blessing that had been granted at a high cost. Two weeks later Scully's nosebleeds had started again. Eight months after that, whilst she and William had been perusing the grocery store shelves, she'd unexpectedly collapsed and been rushed to the hospital. Before Mulder had had chance to travel back from Dallas to her bedside, she'd been declared dead. Life would have been pointless from then on if he hadn't had William to look after. "Mommy say you gots to stop cwying," the boy sniffled, climbing up onto his father's knee and reaching to wipe the damp, grey-speckled beard. "Mommy upset you upset." Mulder nodded as he swallowed hard and looked from the worn photo to Will. "I bet she did." Reacquainting himself with a child he'd never really known had been....interesting....enough, but coming to terms with William's 'abilities' was proving to be a very slow process. "Your mom was a very caring person." "Like in the storwies you tell? When you worked toge'er?" Finally pocketing the photograph of his lost lover, partner and life, the tall man combed a shaky hand through his thinning hair and then hugged the boy closer against his chest. "Yeah," he croaked out - only just able to push the sound past the lump in his throat, "just like those stories.". A pause as both looked up at the lightening sky, and then, "The next time you see Mommy, tell her...that I, uh...that I just miss her a lot... That-- That I wish she was here to celebrate your fifth birthday with us because you're growing so big and she'd be so proud..." "She already knows. She say she always here to watch us...That she hate the beard?" That made Mulder smile and he gave a nod of his head before standing up - Will still safely held in his strong arms. "Come on, birthday boy, you can open your present before we get on the road, and then we'll see what we can do about making your mom happy - she always was right when it came to the important decisions." Somewhere out there there had to be a light at the end of the tunnel - at least for the safety and future of his son - but no amount of convincing would help him to see that everything happened for a reason, and no matter how tightly he held William against his chest, he couldn't help but feel that they were two souls doomed to be separated and alone forever by the missing piece of the puzzle that had been stolen by Scully's passing. 'I'd do it all over again.' With the integrity and faith she'd always relied upon, he didn't doubt she would, but - no matter how much he loved their son - Mulder couldn't help but wonder if, given the chance and knowledge of how high the price would be, he would still collect Will from that farm in Wyoming, or keep on driving and spend the rest of his life with a healthy Scully. Some forks in the road were just made to haunt, and there would be no escaping this one. THE END |
DISCLAIMER:
Oh, lighten up! Look, for the millionth time I have no ownership
of these characters and make no money from writing this - 'nuff
said.
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